Breaking the Silence

Breaking the Silence

By Megan Steffer

Rape and sexual assault are public health issues that most of us would prefer to ignore. In 1987, it was first reported that approximately 27 percent of college-aged women had been rape victims since age 14.¹ Further studies have gone on to specify that anywhere from 15-20 percent of women are raped during their time as an undergraduate student.² These numbers rise significantly when statistics also include attempted rape and sexual assault: studies report that as many as 57 percent of college women have been victims of some kind of sexual assault during their college careers.¹ Despite having rape prevention programs in place at almost every major university in the country, current figures still estimate that one in four college women are survivors of rape or attempted rape.³

When many people think of rape, they imagine a sinister-looking man sexually assaulting a woman in a dark alley. While these situations do occur, the vast majority of rapes (80%) occur between people who know each other, and take place in environments that are generally considered to be safe.⁴ Rapists also do not match most stereotypes: men who commit rape are our friends, co-workers, neighbors, and relatives. In some groups -- such as sports teams and fraternities -- sexual aggressiveness is seen as a positive trait for men to have. From conversations I’ve had, it seems that many rapists don’t even know what they have committed is rape, assuming that it was okay because a girl was drunk, provocatively dressed, or displaying "suggestive" behavior.

Something clearly needs to be changed in our society when this kind of violence towards women is accepted or ignored by the majority of the population. Even women at the highest risk of becoming victims of rape seem ultimately unconvinced that it could happen to them. Even me.

My story is all too typical. I am the one college woman in four. My experience began on an average Saturday night, partying with my roommates at a co-worker’s house outside the campus. Not in the mood to drink, I shared one beer with a roommate so people would stop pestering us about the fact that we weren’t holding red cups of beer.

As the night wore on, my roommates grew bored and wanted to go home, but I was having fun with my co-worker and his friends. He assured me that he would get me home safely. I bid my roommates adieu, refilled my red cup with water, and returned to the party. Less than 15 minutes later, I had my last memory of the evening.

I opened my eyes the next morning, naked, in a room I had never seen before. Next to me was my co-worker, naked and sound asleep. Large purple bruises covered both of my arms and legs, two parallel lines were burned into my right forearm, and dried blood covered my thighs and the sheets all around me. I saw my clothes nearby. My only thought: “Get out now.” As I climbed out of the bed, he opened his eyes and gazed at my bloody, bruised, and burned body. “Good morning, beautiful.”

When I asked him what had happened he just laughed. “You had a good time,” he told me, after grumbling about how he’d have to wash my blood out of his formerly clean sheets. “Take me home now,” I demanded. After assuring him that I did not, in fact, want to stay for breakfast, he got his keys.

The following days were extremely difficult, as I tried to determine what actually happened. To me, it is pretty clear that “date-rape drugs” were involved. These sedatives, which include GHB, Rophynol, and Ketamine, usually are colorless and odorless when added to a drink. The sedatives often make the person who drinks them appear to be drunk and makes them lose their memory; for this reason, they have become widely known for their use in conjunction with rape and sexual assault. Although I will never be completely sure that someone gave me such a sedative, the blood and pain clearly tell me I was raped.

Thankfully, although I knew him from work, our interactions there were few and far between. I saw him in the building two or three times after that night, and did my best to avoid him. When I saw him at work, he acted as if nothing had happened, asking: “Why haven’t you called?” Some days he would show up in the parking lot or outside my apartment complex, but I refused to talk to him. The last time I saw him was when he showed up at a restaurant where I worked, told me he missed me, and kissed me on the cheek. I almost slapped him. He sat in another server’s section, and I avoided that part of the restaurant until he was gone.

It has been a year and a half since that night. At first, I couldn’t even think about what had happened, not wanting to face the reality of what I had been through. I did not report the crime. I knew that my lack of memory about the evening would weaken my case. I was also confused because I had once seen this man as a friend and wanted to believe that he had not betrayed my trust.

Eventually, I began talking about my experience. Some friends seemed hesitant to believe my story, suggesting that I could have been drunk and blacked out, or that I had led him on. Others did believe me, but continued to interact with him like nothing had happened.

Similar reactions have been documented across the country. We simply don’t want to believe that rape happens. We especially don’t want to accept that our friends or family members could be perpetrators or victims of rape. Before this experience, I didn’t either.

As difficult as it was, I found that talking about what had happened was the most helpful thing in allowing me to move on with my life. Even after I had shared my story, it seemed as though I was talking about something I had seen in a movie or heard from a friend, not an experience that I had lived through. It wasn’t until about three months later, when I was beginning a romantic relationship with another man, that the reality of it all finally hit me.

When he touched me in certain ways, or even cast certain looks at me, it could cause bouts of uncontrolled panic and grief. Fortunately, he was very understanding, talked with me about my experience, and helped me to work through the pain. I was very lucky to have someone who was so patient and supportive of me as I tried to make sense of my feelings and reactions. After accepting the fact that this experience was not something that I could simply block out of my life, I decided to seek counseling at the campus health center. Through the support of some close friends and the counseling sessions, I am finally able to speak openly about my experience, and recognize the value of being able to share it with others.

If one benefit can come from this, it is that I can tell you that rape does happen, it is a problem, and we can make a difference. Please, if you are a victim of sexual violence, start talking about it. Ask your daughters and friends about their experiences. Most importantly, be ready to listen and support these women as their stories unfold.

References

1. Koss, Mary P, Gidycz, Christine A, and Nadine Wisniewski. "The Scope of Rape: Incidence and Prevalence of Sexual Aggression and Victimization in a National Sample of Higher Education Students." Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1987; 55(2): 162-170. 

2. Koss, M.P., Dinero, T.E., Siebel, C.A., and Cox, S.L. "Stranger and acquaintance rape: are there differences in women's experiences." Psychology of Women Quarterly 1988;12:1-24. Gary JM. "An overview of sexual assault on campus." In: Gary JM, (ed.) The Campus Community Confronts Sexual Assault: Institutional Issues and Campus Awareness. Holmes Beach, FL: Learning Publications; 1994:1-9. Brener, N.D., McMahon, P.M., Warren, C.W. et al. "Forced Sexual Intercourse and Associated Health-Risk Behaviors Among Female College Students in the United States." Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 1999; 67(2): 252-9;  Fisher, Bonnie, Cullen, Francis, and Michael Turner. The Sexual Victimization of College Women. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice (2000).

3. Fisher, Bonnie, Cullen, Francis, and Michael Turner. The Sexual Victimization of College Women. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice (2000).

4. Tjaden P, Thoennes, N. Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey (Report NCJ 183781). Washington, DC: National Institute of Justice; 2000.

Megan Steffer received her undergraduate degree in Public and Community Health from the University of Maryland, in May, 2006. She worked as an intern for NWHN in the Spring of 2006.